life is greyscale

My soul is sick.

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:23:03 -0400

My soul is sick.

Wouldn’t you be too if you were exposed to the diseases of a foreign land?

It’s not visible to most, but in the way the muscles in my hazel eyes subtly suggest emptiness and distance, it can be seen by the keenest of observers, amongst a sea of busy bees.

My soul gets sick when the physical world is detached from the spiritual world and chaos ensues.

My rational watch dogs have built an army and walls with the highest of trained security, best attack methods, and a sure stability. After many battles, reason has won and the once whimsical oneness stays trapped in an oppressive land where it once ruled as a child, fizzling out like the last putter and spout of a firework. The days drag on, have gotten foggy and the soul has lost most hope in sluggish destitute. It’s stomach hungry, while the watch dogs are fed the finest meats. The other fortresses are consulted for direction, and the all-seeing army becomes stronger.

While the rational sleep, the soul is getting stronger in its forgotten omniscience, and another battle is brewing. The only healing comes beyond the walls, and the little bit of hope is hanging from the edge of the most treacherous of cliffs by a finger. It lets go, disappears into the rocky fog below, sure to be lost forever. Peering over the edge, I’m sure that it didn’t make it and I’ve settled with the grey land around me as a pseudo home.

Then my soul flies out of the mists of oblivion into a sky of neurons, spreading the word through their energy. They pulsate like stars and adrenaline causes an earthquake as the forces meet. Will the spirit meet another defeat? Is a life living possible again? We will see. It all depends on what settles after the shower. But I hope and dream those walls will be torn down, that they’ll never be built again and I’ll be free forever. Life didn’t kill the dream, a poisonous force creeping in to the subconscious almost did. It’s like a snake it the night, coiling around the neck of an innocent child as he sleeps.

On the other side of the dark wall, I see freedom and electric being, begging to be seen and heard. It shines about those reinforced walls like the aurora borealis, dancing and inviting in all it’s colors and movement, singing a song in a language indiscernible, but kind in its ways. The various in sync parts of the soul stare up at it from a vast barren and stagnant land devoid of life and tones and hues. One day my soul will take a breath of the freshest air of babbling brooks and fall pines and bathe in sweet streams of adrenaline and laugh as only light can as it celebrates its being.

Just as it looks as if we are home free, the walls partially in rubble, the watch dogs send over nuclear bombs of cyanide and depression and the destruction in me starts again. The workers are fast and the walls are pristine again. Medicine is out of reach as I touch the cold stones. My mind begins to fail as it becomes detached from my soul again. Who am I, what happened, and what will become of me?

The Free Spirit May Burst

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:03:38 -0400

I can only suppress it so long. The free spirit is what lights my soul on fire for feeling, experience and spirituality. It’s not the Holy Spirit and it ain’t the devil either. It’s my reflection in the mirror, guiding my physical self. It’s the biggest struggle to contain myself in a world that lays out expectations. I will never understand the complete psychology of my brain, and don’t really care to.

Yes, it’s hard to be an internal free spirit in an external yuppie town like this. Smack dab in the bible belt, filled with many christians and few Jesus-followers. I settle for being patient and waiting, which is the most painful part. Waiting for an ideal peace and contentment that will never last. Waiting for clarity amongst chaos. I even convince myself at times settling here could be fine, I just need to calm down and keep my emotions tame, maybe I am off my rocker.

When times are looking up, and there is lots of opportunity, its easy to get lost in other people’s projects. I’m a sucker for helping out. Now no is the answer and I’m not waiting for affirmation from humans who act like they know when they don’t. I’m past that. I know there’s no all knowing wise human. I’m the only human who knows me like I do.

When I know what I want, I’m always convinced otherwise. I have a history of settling and sacrificing. I’m no longer giving out handouts of my care when I don’t have any left. I don’t have the capacity to play games like the government. If I’m going to help others, I have to make sure I’m sane first. Duct taping a NASA rocket to the ground will only hold so long. Eventually it rip free and fly. I want the bird’s eye view, too.

When I feel crazy, and it doesn’t make sense, I know it’s right. Let me fall and skin my knees. Let me bleed all the possible colors and fatigue from running place to place, culture to culture. Let me connect with nature. Technology ironically disconnects and overstimulates. Let me be overwhelmed with reality and dreams synthesizing into a beautiful piece of art. The books you put before me are not even close to what life’s really like. I want to experience and feel and I’m okay with not knowing.

So instead of crushing my soul into a fine dust and blowing it out over a graveyard, let it ferment, unconfined in its barrel of growth and dance away death in its being, loving anything and everything in its path.

life is priorities

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:36:31 -0500

Hey y’all,

So I’ve decided my golden age of blogging has come to an end for now. I’ve got lots of projects I’m working on, and I need the time I spend on here for writing on my screenplays and film projects, in addition to starting a masters degree. Thanks for reading. Lately I’ve felt the quality downgrading, and no one deserves to read that mess. I may be back on here from time to time, when I get some inspiration. Those are the times I feel I can really connect. Ever since I started capitalizing on specific days, it’s become more of a chore than a way of expressing myself. So I’ll just pop in from time to time if I feel it necessary. I want to write because it’s necessary, like breathing, not because it’s a specific day of the week, therefore having to pull something out of myself. Its not about the amount of followers i get, but that someone out there relates in some way, or that someone out there is thinking about things in a new way. No matter how little, influencing can change the world for the better. So for now, I’m closing down shop. But I can’t promise I won’t be back.

Keep living life.

Ps. If you’re looking for some good inspirational life blogs to read, check out my two friends here:

http://mindfulloftruth.tumblr.com/

http://thepursuitofcivility.tumblr.com/

life is independence

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 20:23:00 -0500

Thoughtful Thursday

I see a problem with certain people in our culture sometimes. It’s called laziness. More and more people are being dependent and expecting everyone else to run their life for them. If you can realistically do something for yourself, do it for yourself. Get off your lazy ass and do it for yourself. Wash your own clothes. Clean your own room. Make your own money if you’re able, which many of us are more able than we let people think. Don’t pray to God for good grades when you haven’t sat down and put in the effort to study. He’s not there to give out free blessings whenever we want them. But he’s there when we need him when we’ve done all we can do. Don’t interrupt someone’s focus in a project to do something as minuscule as walking across the room for a remote. Get it yourself. If you are able to do something, do it. If you are not able, ask for help. Take responsibility for yourself. By becoming an independent individual, you are opening yourself up for so much more opportunity and self sufficiency. And life will become a whole lot easier. Your psychological well-being will take a turn for the best.

When I worked at camp two summers ago, we were told to “Ask for help when you need it.” I tell you what, I had to ask for help many times. But when you’re dealing with 13 urban fifth graders who have emotional problems and the high stress energy that children most times do, things can get out of hand. I actually needed help with mediation when fights broke loose and emotional breakdowns ensued. Shame on you for being too prideful to ask for help when you need it (if that is you). Do us all a favor and ask for some help.

If you are not able, thats a completely different story. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking about all the complainer able bodies.

Ask for help when you genuinely need it.

life is strengthening your strengths

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 22:13:29 -0500

Media Monday

I love personality tests. Anyone who knows me well can attest to this little obsession. Something about understanding myself on a deeper level and knowing there are others out there with similar tendencies brings peace to my soul. ”I’m not the only one that does _______!” One I like a lot is the Myers-Briggs which separates everyone into sixteen personality types after decades of study. Recently I found a newer kind of test that also has had decades of research built into it. It’s called the Strengths Finder 2.0. What it does is test you online, only after buying the book, and states the five biggest strengths you have out of thirty four. My biggest strengths, starting with strongest, are Ideation, Adaptability, Intellection, Developer, and Individualization. Whats cool about it is instead of encouraging you to work on your weaknesses, it encourages you to capitalize on your strengths.

It seems these days people are spending more and more time trying to improve their shortcomings instead of trying to build on the strengths we already possess. As Tom Rath describes in the book, people tend to want to take the path of most resistance. This is a good example he describes that most of you probably know of:

“This is quite apparent in the way we create icons out of people who struggle to overcome a lack of natural talent. Consider the true story of Rudy Ruettiger, the 23-year old groundskeeper at Notre Dame’s stadium, who was the protagonist if the 1993 movie Rudy. At just 5’6” and 165 pounds, this young man clearly didn’t possess the ability to play big-time college football, but he had ample “heart.” Rudy worked tirelessly to gain admission to Notre Dame so he could play football there. Eventually, after being rejected three times, he was accepted to Notre Dame thereafter and earned a spot on the football team’s practice squad. For two years, Rudy took a beating in daily practices , but he was never allowed to join his team on the sidelines. Then, after trying as hard as he could for two seasons, Rudy was finally invited to suit up for the final game of his senior year. In the last moments of this game, with a Notre Dame victory safely in hand, Rudy’s teammates lobbied their coach to put him in the game. In the final seconds, the coach sent Rudy in for a single play-and he tackled the opposing team’s quarterback. It was a dramatic moment and, of course, Rudy became an instant hero. Fans chanted his name and carried him off the field. Reuttiger was later invited to the White House. where he met President Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and football legend Joe Montana. While Rudy’s perseverance is admirable, in the end, he played a few seconds of college football and made a single tackle…after thousands of hours of practicing.

The inspirational nature of this story actually masks a significant problem: Overcoming deficits is an essential part of our culture. Our books, movies, and folklore are filled with stories of the underdog who beats one-in-a-million odds. And this leads us to celebrate those who triumph over their lack of natural ability even more than we recognize those who capitalize on their innate talents. As a result, millions of people see these heroes as being the epitome of the American Dream and set their sights on conquering major challenges. Unfortunately, this is taking the path of most resistance.”

Now I am all for the underdog, and I like the idea of the American Dream. But Rath has a point here - why do so many of us focus on trying for something so hard if there are other strengths we have? I don’t know about y’all, but I’m happiest when I’m exercising my strengths. I take pride in being recognized for what I’m good at, and I like to stretch these talents to even higher levels of strength. ”You can’t be anything you want to be” might sound un-American, but I like this idea of capitalizing my strengths. I really think I will find more happiness with consistent practice of my strengths than I would chasing a far fetched dream that odds are slim to none - a dream that may not even make me happy. It might be all for nothing. I am not saying not to chase your dreams - you definitely don’t want to regret all your decisions down the road - I’m saying chase those dreams that you would be most happy achieving. The grass always looks greener, but sometimes me miss what’s right in front of us - or what is within us.

Don’t get the message confused. This isn’t a blog saying settle for the safe route. I’m all for chasing dreams. Just make sure those dreams are truly within you and not false desires that may just look shinny on the outside.

Chase your dreams. Strengthen your strengths.

life is giving thanks

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 10:00:36 -0500

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!

Go pray with whoever family is to you and give thanks for all you have!

Watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

And if you’re watching the Macy’s Day Parade, look for me!

(Don’t get too annoyed with your in-laws.)

And most importantly…EAT….DAT….TURKEY!!!

Peace and Blessings.

life is a gift held in open hands

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 23:42:35 -0500

Media Monday

Today I want to share a book with you that really got me thinking about things. It’s called The Crowd, The Critic, and The Muse: A Book For Creators. Written by Michael Gungor of the inspirational indie band Gungor, it talks about anything from tolerance to fundamentalism, stereotypes to nuanced worship. Even though a lot of it is focused on the band’s faith and being true to God and not man in creativity, there is so much truth that can apply to anyone found throughout the book.

One of the things I found interesting was the section on fundamentalism. Here is an excerpt from the book:

“Fundamentalism is rigid and certain—like a prison. It leaves no room for doubt, no room for exploring or creating outside of the acceptable boxes. It is the polar opposite of creativity, the enemy of art. Fundamentalism is not limited to traditional religions like Christianity or Islam—there are fundamentalists in every stream of thought. There are fundamentalist atheists whose worldview is rigid with certainty. Even the “nothing in particular” belief can become dogmatic and arrogant. The fundamentalist’s worldview is one that is not open to the unexpected or the new. It is a closed system. Fundamentalism is not the same thing as healthy faith. Healthy faith is a gift held in open hands. There is humility in this kind of faith, a hope, an acknowledgment of the possibility of error and the need for growth and change. This openness leaves room for creativity. Fundamentalism, on the other hand, holds beliefs with a clenched fist. Fundamentalism is rooted in arrogance. It thrives in fear and control and darkness. Fundamentalism runs planes into buildings and straps bombs to the chests of devout and gullible young men. Fundamentalism divides people into groups of “us” and “them.” It wages wars, systemizes racism, censors expression.”

I like the new perspective this excerpt gives on fundamentalism. It’s so easy to say one point of view is too fundamentalist. But its kind of ironic because if you are saying this, you may also be fundamentalist in your perspective if you’re not inviting the other perspective into your mind to be considered, no matter what it may be.

So think about why you believe what you believe. Think about why someone else believes what they believe. Have reasons and intuition. Don’t just follow a set of point blank rules. Don’t force your opinion on somebody. Open your mind to all the possibilities. Think outside of the box for a change. We’re only limited to the limits we create for ourselves.

Open your hands and heart to the ability to create.

life is grace

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 19:20:13 -0500

Thoughtful Thursday

I get so flustered by the injustices of this world. This week I found out my dear friend, now in her 60’s, is about to get kicked off her property for expansion of an apartment complex. She had a beautiful tree-covered drive through the woods up to the house her Dad built about 70 years ago. Now the bulldozers have torn down all the trees up to her property. In this small house she was born and raised. Her roommate of many years, her sister, died recently. Now she lives alone on this property in the house she has known her whole life. Her personality is like that of an angel, always graceful and sweet; she would never hurt anything.

The problem is she had a deed for the house and now it’s gone. A man came and took advantage of her sweetness. He told her he would help her out by taking the deed to study it and now he says she never gave it to him. She called our house crying, not knowing what to do. It broke my heart to hear her tears. We’re doing all we can to help her, so please keep her in your prayers, wherever you may be.

People are not business deals. And those of you who look at people that way will never find happiness. Look deeper into people. They’re these amazing beings that have hopes and feelings and aspirations. People are not limited to what they can do for others’ selfish reasons.

It disgusts me how greedy people are and the lengths people go for money. You would think by now from all the stories reiterating that “money turns people greedy and doesn’t necessarily buy happiness” would have taught people a lesson by now. But no, history is here for a reason. It keeps repeating itself over and over. The American Empire is falling in the same steps as the Fall of the Roman Empire, for example. Grace comes from within. Within we destroy ourselves even if it is clear what is right.

Referring back to my last post on The Tree Of Life, there are two paths one can take: the way of nature and the way of grace. It seems that less and less people take the way of grace everyday. People fall into the animalistic way of nature where they put themselves first, doing anything to survive, right or wrong. Its easy to lose hope, but thank God some of us still have it.

“Grace doesn’t try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries. Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you love, your life will flash by.”

Choose grace over nature.

life is a tree

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 19:01:03 -0500

Media Monday

Last week my mama had surgery so I was able to have some good downtime with her. We decided to watch “The Tree Of Life”. Now if you watch movies for purely entertainment purposes, I suggest you quit reading this blog right now and wait for the next post on Thursday. But if you know how to appreciate art, read on. It surprised me how restless the rest of my family got when they came in to join us for the film. Some film is for art purposes and it surprises some people that this is true. But film can also be entertainment and art at the same time and it usually is, with the exception of a few crappers that were thrown together for some money.

“The Tree Of Life” is a slow-paced movie that takes patience, but the images are pure glory. And the music gives chills. It follows the life of a little boy in an abstract way and shows the difference between following the way of nature and the way of grace. Also included is a long majestic montage of the creation of the world, space and some evolution/creation. Even dinosaurs! But this story has a sort of visual storyline of a family in the 50’s and it will have you trying to figure it out the whole time, but don’t hurt your brains too bad. The reason this will happen is you probably aren’t used to looking at life in the way it is portrayed in this film. You’re used to straight forward, to-the-point stories that fit the science of traditional storytelling genres. Just be (as you watch) and soak in the beauty. It’s almost like this movie is feelings portrayed as visuals. And there’s a lot of whispering throughout that takes us further into the characters’ heads and emotions. Take a gander at the trailer to get a small vibe of what the grander picture is portraying:

I would say go out and check this out. It has so many abstract images as well as relatable life images. The camera movements are new in their flow and intimacy. Never have I seen life portrayed in such an unusual yet familiar way. It’s hard to describe. Just go watch it!

And remember movies are not just for entertainment.

Life's a bitch and then you die

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 19:30:00 -0500

Thoughtful Thursday

“Life’s a bitch and then you die.” I don’t really know if it is. I mean, a lot of things suck. We have to go through all sorts of unexpected things in our lives. I don’t think its healthy to either be just an optimist or just a pessimist about life. Pessimistic makes you all cynical and crabby, which repels people. Optimistic makes you fluffy and peppy, which also repels people and your face attracts a fist. I mean, its really unhealthy to hold your emotions in and fool yourself in to thinking you’re happy and everything is great all the time. I like to swing back and fourth between the two with some realism mixed in here and there. What would life be if we didn’t get to feel all the insane things we get to experience?

So many people are striving for that one day when they’ll be “happy”. Think about it. If everything was happy and grand all the time, would we really be able to feel the emotion of happiness with full force? Probably not. Because its those bad times that balance out with the good that make us feel our emotions. Something wouldn’t seem really happy without some depression sprinkled around. Without bad, there wouldn’t be good. And not only that, but the bad times are the things that make us stronger, where all we have to go is up once we hit our rock bottom.

Honestly if I wasn’t screwed up and if all the people in my life weren’t crazy, I don’t think life would be nearly exciting. I mean madness can even be funny sometimes. My siblings and friends drive me crazy at times, but sometimes they say things that just make me fall out when a second before I was about to explode from the nerves.

Parents, for another example. When I was little I thought they were super heroes who could do no wrong. But when I got older, I realized they are human just like everyone else and go through some really tough shit. In reality this makes them even more admirable than super heroes in my eyes because super heroes have an inhuman advantage anyways. They went through this crap and got back up again AND continued to be there for us even if they weren’t there for themselves sometimes.

Another thing is people who compare situations. As humans it is our natural tendency to constantly make comparisons and connections. ”She looks hotter than me.” ”I can’t believe he said that. I am so much better.” ”At least I’m not that stupid.” ”There’s no way I will ever live up to that standard.” It’s so easy to look at others and either feel inferior or superior to them, when in reality, even if there is someone with a worse situation than you, it doesn’t change the fact that you are still going through that tough situation and are still having those feelings you’re having. Just because kids are hungry in China doesn’t mean I am going to want to eat my broccoli more. Its so hard to look at people for who they are instead of how they match up to us and measure up to our personal standards.

So I see why someone could believe “life’s a bitch and then you die.” But its an exciting bitch. Its the only bitch you have. And its only going to be a bitch if you focus on its bitchiness. So make it your bitch and look for the good and fun in it too. It’s there, you just have to be a little more observant. If you’re bored, you’re not doing something right or being true to you. Like breathing, something that often gets overlooked. Isn’t it so cool how we can breath and it just happens and all the elements work together? So when we start recognizing the varying emotions and experiences in life for what they are, life might be a little more tolerable and maybe even fun in its dysfunction. And you can’t spell dysfunction without FUN.

So come join us on the crazy farm.

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.” - Charlie, Perks of Being A Wallflower

Life is melancholia

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 23:54:00 -0500

Media Monday

Melancholia (n.) - a mental condition characterized by great depression of spirits and gloomy forebodings.

I think its easy to see Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia (2011) is a cinematic masterpiece of German Romanticism. I think we’ve all experienced depression at some point in different forms. I know I have, and that makes this very relatable. Von Trier takes the idea of depression and portrays it in a beautiful way, paralleled with an impending doom - an end of the world scenario, which is also compelling and beautiful and brought to light differently in an era of apocalyptic films. Kirsten Dunst had experienced some hard depression before in real life and this was an artistic way to share its expression to humanity. The director is also in a constant melancholia when not working on a film, which contributed greatly to its inspiration. I related in the way that one of the protagonists does not get fulfillment from partaking in humanity’s common rituals, while her sister thrives amongst its madness. Dunst’s character is a great portrayal of the psychological fact that melancholic people react calmly in high anxiety situations.

Right below I’ve included the intro to the film. The frame rate was extremely high during production, so in post they were able to slow it down immensely, giving it a sense of longing. Its not often we see movement this slow yet fluid on the big screen. Von Trier has a unique filmmaking style he makes his own. The takes didn’t have rehearsals. He wants the actors to feel the energy of experiencing the scenes for the first time, sometimes improvising with slight direction between takes. I also find it interesting that he used Richard Wagner’s opera Tristan and Isolde throughout the film to give it a somberness. The goal was to make it romantic, but keep everything realistic, which gives it an unexplainable feeling of longing for the tragedy of it all.

(This indie film had limited release, but it now available on Netflix and Amazon instant video.) Give it a watch. Your feelings might be confused after watching, but I think thats just the effect the film has. At least it did on me.

When all of your life is melancholia, it seems you have nothing to lose.

Life is horribly limited

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 14:22:09 -0400

Thoughtful Friday? That don’t rhyme!

I know I’m a day late, my apologies. In this post I wanted to take the opportunity to promote my friend E.A.P.’s blog. She has great thoughts and is an amazing person to discuss ideas with. Each week, she takes a quote and analyzes it.

Here is here blog address: http://mindfulloftruth.tumblr.com/

With her permission I’m including it on here. Enjoy!

Mind Full Of Truth, Pockets Full Of Empty

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.” -Sylvia Plath (poet and writer)

This quote is near and dear to one of my best friends, so I figured that it would be a nice opening piece. Do you ever get a feeling of inadequacy, even if your life is alright for the moment? You can be moving towards your major goals and have everything be fine, but still feel that you could do more.

I’m guilty of this inadequacy. I read as many books as I can every month, just to acquire knowledge of something that I’m ignorant about. However many books I read, they are never enough. I can’t gain the spiritual conviction of Gandhi by reading his books. I can’t go on the drug-fueled adventures of Jack Kerouac because I read On the Road. I will never be able to see through their eyes and live through their ideas. There’s no way to experience their lives.

Life is one of the most complicated things in the universe. It’s hard to define, yet we pin definitions to it to make ourselves feel better. Poets and artists try to interpret it for everyone else, while everyone is busy trying to keep theirs in order. Everyone from ancient philosophers to modern teenagers try to define life. They complicate it, they over-simplify it, they twist and manipulate it.

Life is more than the simple “Peace, Love, and Happiness” slogans. It is more than poverty, war, and hunger. It cannot be contained in a painting, poem, or photograph. We cannot hear “life” in a grand, majestic symphony. We can’t turn a blind eye to the negative, nor can we dwell in negativity’s darkness. There is so much that we can’t do. It feels as though we are missing out on the wide world of experience that is possible.

To be honest, our experience makes up one small part of the quilt of life. Our experience adds to humanity and there will never be another piece just like yours. Just think of it: no one in the history of mankind will live exactly like you. It hasn’t happened in the past and it won’t happen in the future. All we can do is create our own lives and live them as fully as possible until we can live no more. What will you contribute?

E.A.P.

Life is REALLY listening

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 19:01:02 -0400

Media Monday

Sometimes we are going about our daily lives at 100 miles and hour and forget to really experience what we’re passing. There are so many things our senses give us the opportunity to relish, but many use them mindlessly without a second thought to what they are actually going through.

Music is an aspect these days that I think gets overlooked. If you look at the top sales on iTunes or just turn on the radio, you can easily see what music that people want to hear is electronic club music with auto tune. It loses the art and emotion that music once had now that computers are making it with mathematical algorithms. Though there are many artists who still record natural music, they get the small straw.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to go dancing and get my booty shake on every once and a while - thats what club music is for - good beats that make us want to move our bodies. It definitely has a purpose. But the point is, there just isn’t a way to hone on the feeling of that music like there is with the humanness of instruments played live at a recording session and a voice that isn’t touched up.

But beyond just this, I think people in our day and time have trouble listening to music, even if it is authentic. We’ll skip through songs because we have so many options. Now we can have all songs with us at all times and its really overwhelming. Does anybody remember how exciting it was to get a new record or CD before iPods were out? I would look forward to going to Walmart to buy a CD of an artist I had heard a few tracks to, then I would find more tracks I hadn’t heard that would become just as good, if not better than the few I heard before.

I invite you to put on some nice headphones, close your eyes, lay down in a place where external forces can’t disturb you, and really listen to each and every sound to the music you listen to, and the new discoveries you are making. (This means no listening while the TV is on and you’re checking your Facebook and texting at the same time. Don’t even get the urge to message your friends about the song you are listening to because you have to share it with the world right then. Because you don’t. Save it for later. Just listen, trust me.)

I think you’ll be able to appreciate music in a way you haven’t before. Listen to the changing force the violinist uses with their bow. Feel the shivers of a powerful buildup moment. Move your body when the spirit of the music fills you up.

Here are some songs I wanted to share that I like to REALLY listen to lately. Maybe you’ve heard them or maybe they’re something you already like. Maybe you’ll dislike them. But try to REALLY listen. And I won’t tell you what I think about them personally because I want you to here them raw and without expectations.

Make sure you REALLY listen to music.

Life is Media Mondays and Thoughtful Thursdays

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 21:55:21 -0400

Hello readers,

I’m now taking the next step in blogging. To keep myself accountable and to establish consistency, I will start putting out 2 blogs a week. Mondays will be Media Mondays and Thursdays will be Thoughtful Thursdays.

On Media Mondays, I will share media with you and talk a little about how it could make your life a little better and how it made mine. This is a sort of exploratory blog to expose people to the great media out there, whether it be books, music, films, art, or some new talented person I’ve discovered. I want to share what influences and inspires me and pass on the torch to you. I’ll also discuss my own work from times to time as a freelance media maker.

On Thoughtful Thursdays, I’ll continue to put out blogs similar to what I’ve done in the past whether it be a rant on some ideas that I find intriguing, or sharing new ways of thinking with you that you may have never thought about before. This is my way of passing on knowledge and getting your brains thinking about life a little more, hopefully in a new way.

Hope everyone is having a good week and getting ready for a fun halloween weekend! Be safe. Maybe I’ll see one of you on the People of Walmart website.

www.peopleofwalmart.com

Life is spreading good will

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 23:35:00 -0400

In order to keep your sanity you have to realize that you don’t deserve anything and can’t expect anything of anybody - EVER. And only with this idea will you be content. But that doesn’t mean you have to treat other people like they are the same way. You can be that light in their day that makes them feel like somebody. This is really hard to do because we are such a self-absorbed culture, but I think its important that it is something we strive for. it is called unconditional love.

We’re all going through things and comparing your struggles to somebody else’s is not going to make it easier for you. The grass is always going to look greener somewhere. (Don’t pay attention to Facebook, people always look happier than they really are, I mean, we get to control what people see, of course we’re going to make ourselves look awesome!)

So because everyone goes through shit, people need to realize all the little extra rudeness that goes around - we could do without it, please and thank you. That’s why I believe if you adopt this philosophy of no expectations, it will make you a better person and people will actually want to be around you. And you may just be a little happier (even if you may want to punch them in the face. Its an easy feeling to have.)

Its so easy when we develop relationships to start to expect things from others, since having relationships take effort from both sides. Most times, one side works harder than the other and gets disappointed. Step back and think about what you’re getting mad about. Because it might be something so little that it doesn’t even matter. I find myself getting irritated by things sometimes - this is unavoidable being human. But - we can try to keep calm and carry on.

Martin Luther King talked about three different types of love that the Greeks discussed in ancient writings. (I know there are actually 4, but he discussed 3.)

“In speaking of love at this point, we are not referring to some sentimental emotion. It would be nonsense to urge men to love their oppressors in an affectionate sense. “Love” in this connection means understanding good will. There are three words for love in the Greek New Testament.

First, there is eros. In Platonic philosophy eros meant the yearning of the soul for the realm of the divine. It has come now to mean a sort of aesthetic or romantic love.

Second, there is philia. It meant intimate affectionateness between friends. Philia denotes a sort of reciprocal love: the person loves because he is loved.

When we speak of loving those who oppose us we refer to neither eros nor philia; we speak of a love which is expressed in the Greek word agape. Agape means nothing sentimental or basically affectionate; it means understanding, redeeming good will for all men, an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return. It is the love of God working in the lives of men.

When we love on the agape level we love not because we like them, not because their attitudes and ways appeal to us, but because God loves them. Here we rise to the position of loving the person who does the evil deed while hating the deed he does.”

Martin Luther King, Jr. Speech “Nonviolence and Racial Justice”

So as you can see, it doesn’t necessarily mean you like certain things about someone. But practicing good will be redeeming and convicting.

Keep calm and carry on,

life is lamenting

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 22:59:00 -0400

When I was in Slovenia, I was given a chance to give a devotion to our mission group. I had read “Rachel’s Tears” over the summer and some of the verses really spoke to me in my life from Psalms that she also dealt with in her faith.

A lot of times Christians like to live fluffy lives. We go to the unending church services, bible studies and coffee meetings. We leave sermons with great ideals, don’t even apply them truly, even though in bible study last week we talked about how we were going to start living out our faith, had failed to do so in the past, and continue beating the same drum, separating our spiritual from our physical lives in compartments. We say we will stop talking and start doing, and we’re lying. (This may sound harsh, and some people really do live out their faith, but there are more people that don’t really try than do, so these words may benefit more than less. And I’ve been in this position before.)

Often the tough questions are avoided. We all fake each other out when we discuss our problems in intentional accountability groups and “open” life groups. These groups can sometimes bring up a guilt and further separation if we’re not comfortable with the people we’re discussing with. We even sing hymns or Christian rock every week of unending praises about how good Jesus is, and the laments are avoided. Churches need encouragement and inspiration, yes. But we also need to get in touch with the deepest places of our humanity, not simply a distraction from our pain to put us in a good mood.

Psalms are often sung. Out of that of all the Psalms, 30% are rejoices to God. The other 70% of Psalms are laments. When Gungor tweeted this fact, many said why lament when we have Jesus? And there is the fluffy, narcissistic, “I’m-the-center-of-the-universe” Christianity I’m talking about. Life just isn’t that way and following Jesus is not always a happy state of bliss, a bunch of hippies and kum-bay-yah around a warm fire.

In Psalm 139:7 David says, “Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?”

At times we can be so filled with God’s spirit that no matter where we go it can be overwhelming. Do you know this feeling? I know sometimes I get it after following the spirit’s guidance in an act of faith, or after a mission trip or on retreat weekend.

Then other times I don’t feel God and feel so intensely lost, I question His motives and if he even exists because I feel so dark and depressed, like I’m walking with no direction, like a thick wall separates me from all things spiritual. David lamented over this in Psalm 13:1-2.

He says, “How long, O Lord? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”

I feel this so often in my valleys. And no one likes to talk about it. I’m tired of the excuses like “God works in mysterious ways” and “God is so good, things will work out” and “just pray about it” and other typical sayings that don’t make anyone feel better. I don’t like blind faith that accepts whatever others tell them. I’ve also wondered why I haven’t heard topics like Psalm 13 discussed in a sermon. When I was saved, I felt a great high. But the truth is this is going to waver. The valleys make us stronger in faith and we are meant to lament at times and discuss the questions that come up with others who are on this journey with us. Why do we make it harder on ourselves by pretending everything is okay when its not even close?

“Sure, there is room for some celebration, but if our faith has nothing else to it than positive messages and encouraging clichés, perhaps it has become a Band-Aid rather than a surgery.” - Gungor

Let’s pass the surface level of our relationship with God. Get angry with him. Feel His love. Mourn with Him. Get past your pride and doubt. Celebrate the joys. Isn’t that what you’d do to go deeper in any relationship with a friend? You know those people you hold in your thoughts and opinions from? Why hide our true hearts in a surface level relationship? As Gungor says, “A Christianity that doesn’t lament is a shallow Christianity. It is a medicinal, numbing balm that we use to avoid living life in a world that is groaning. It is a Band-Aid to cover our wounds. Fig leaves to be sewn over our humanness. And many of us need to be saved from our addiction to this anemic, shallow substitute for Christianity.”

Jesus even lamented on the cross. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Ask some hard questions and lament.

p.s. here’s some links you may find interesante:

Gungor Blog

Rachel’s Tears

Life is Quiet

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 19:57:00 -0400

After much self-evaluation and getting to know myself the past few years, I know that I am an introvert. Lately I’ve been reading Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking. I consider these words compliments:

erratic

eccentric

introverted

weird

introspective

Why do we live in a society where the extroverted way is praised and the introverted tendency is bashed as a problem or disease? It’s not a problem. It’s a way of living life. We need both or the world wouldn’t be able to function.

People often confuse introverted with shy. This is a common misconception so listen up: “Shyness is the fear of social disapproval, while introversion is preference for environments that are not over-stimulating.”

Susan Cain also says, “But for all their differences, shyness and introversion have in common something profound. The mental state of a shy extrovert sitting quietly at a business meeting may be very different from that of a calm introvert – the shy person is afraid to speak up, while the calm introvert is simply over-stimulated – but to the outside world, the two appear to be the same.”

These two people are unfairly thought of as being the same type. Stereotypical thought would be that they are shy or don’t have anything to say. There can be shy introverts but not all are shy. You can love people and be an introvert. Introverts are over-stimulated by too many people and recharge in alone time. They might like to go to a party, then leave to curl up at home with a good book, while extroverts might party all night. Extroverts tend to get anxious when being alone and recharge around people.

Many successful people are introverts:

Ghandi

(Without him, much less wisdom about civil rights, non-violence and freedom.)

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Rosa Parks

(Sometimes short and sweet says more than a great orator.)

“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.”

JK Rowling

(Without her, no Harry Potter.)

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might has well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”

Albert Einstein

(Without him, we wouldn’t have the theory of relativity.)

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”

Steven Spielberg

(Without him, we would lack a whole bunch of great movies.)

“I dream for a living.”

Larry Page, Creator of Google

(Without him, we wouldn’t say we could google that.)

“You can try to control people, or you can try to have a system that represents reality. I find that knowing what’s really happening is more important than trying to control people.”

If you are an introvert, don’t constantly tear yourself apart for being the way you are. It’s not a bad thing to be. You think before speaking. Some of the greatest writers and thinkers are introverts. I remember back when I posted a status that was something like, “Introvertedness isn’t a disease!” I got comments from extroverts saying “How can we understand you in your shell?” and “It’s better to say too much than nothing at all.” Why do we have to have a shell? Why can’t people understand this is just the way we function.

Back in the 1920’s, our society began flaunting that the only way to be successful was to be social, attractive and quick-witted. If you are the life of the party, then you’re in.

“Our society has changed their focus from inner virtue to outer charm”

Some people think that what is inside is not important. But it is. You’re not limited to people’s outer perception of you. There is a whole world inside each of us, and if you’re going to try to get to know somebody, you need to really try and get to know him or her. I prefer one-on-one conversations for going deeper. Being an introvert has made me a very good listener. Don’t doubt yourself because your words are short and sweet. One sentence simply put may be more powerful than a charismatic speech. Don’t confuse this with democrats and republicans. I love my extroverted friends! I just don’t appreciate the ignorance towards the types.

Success isn’t just for the loud mouths.

theburiedlife: A sweet lesson on patience. A NYC Taxi driver...

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 17:51:00 -0400

theburiedlife:

A sweet lesson on patience.

A NYC Taxi driver wrote:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. ‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940’s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.

‘Would you carry my bag out to the car?’ she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. ‘It’s nothing’, I told her.. ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.’

‘Oh, you’re such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, ‘Could you drive
through downtown?’

‘It’s not the shortest way,’ I answered quickly..

‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ she said. ‘I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. ‘I don’t have any family left,’ she continued in a soft voice..’The doctor says I don’t have very long.’ I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

‘What route would you like me to take?’ I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, ‘I’m tired.Let’s go now’.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

‘How much do I owe you?’ She asked, reaching into her purse.

‘Nothing,’ I said

‘You have to make a living,’ she answered.

‘There are other passengers,’ I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

‘You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

Share great stories.

Life is Transcendence

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 21:19:00 -0400

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people in the whole world. I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.” -Neil Gaiman

Think about all the things we have out there – stories, music, art, inventions, theories, ideas, and other creations. And think about the minds behind them. People can only create physically to a certain extent. The dreams in our minds are so much more powerful that what actually gets created. What if we could transcend the mediums to express feeling, our emotions, and our deepest thoughts and dreams? Sometimes I wish there was a machine that just I knew about, where I could get the very real creations in my head to come out of my mind into physical reality.

Sometimes I think that maybe I’m a little too introspective or crazy. Other times I think I just get it. I get these ideas I can’t explain, and sometimes only in my nightly dreams do they make sense.

Just think about it. You don’t really fully know anybody. Not even your closest friend or spouse. The human brain is so complex; there is no possibility of that ever happening. But we can try to share what we can. We all have our subconscious defense mechanisms and nobody is a complete open book, though some of us try our hardest. Humans crave relation, are desperate for it. So we relate in the only ways we know how.

Sometimes I sit there listening to music and a whole expressive world in visual form comes to me. Or I hear an idea or thought and a whole sermon floods my brain. In those moments I wish I could share every detail with someone else. And we all try sharing whatever it is through the mediums our physical reality allows. On the outside it may seem like there is nothing going on in someone’s head, but you’re sadly mistaken. You’re missing out on worlds. Most people bottle the greatest of themselves away.

Just because something’s inside your head doesn’t make it any less real.

I Am Me (2007)

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 03:34:00 -0400

Here is a poem I wrote back in 2007 I found on my computer. It flowed out of me like wildfire on a dry forrest. So here’s a glimpse into who I thought I was at that time. I hope you enjoy.

I Am Me

They don’t know me.

I am the individual, yearning to tell my tale.

They ask why?

Well, why not?!

I am a nourished person in a concert full of moderately obese people.

I am a leader the Nazi of sound knows not.

He only sees the flaws he doesn’t own.

I will not support the nonsense which never ceases.

My stomach is full, but it’s not.

It’s also empty and the searing won’t stop.

I am a carefree feather drifting down the blue abyss of life.

I am a bird flying freely.

I am filled with compassion for those who in turn love me.

I am stuck in the pain, but not the gossip.

It is the evil of the world.

I am the ball getting batted back and forth in pong.

I am not a judge.

Others judge me.

I am the odd humor only compatible with other understandables.

I am a tune.

A jam.

A song.

The chill beat that keeps them going.

I am the harmony and the melody of the notes, constantly striving for time.

Sometimes the tone is off.

I try.

I am not a robot and don’t wish to be.

I cannot do all of these things.

I am the gift.

I enjoy the giving.

They receive and can’t stop wanting.

Wanting.

I am a cellar door.

I am not friends with time.

It goes on and on, but when you want it to last it flies out the window.

I am trapped for the others.

They comfort me.

I am more than I am given acknowledgement for.

I am not what they want.

I am what they need.

Without me they are the bones in the brush, decaying with time.

I am the extremes.

The optimist and the pessimist.

The realists are boring and dry and sicken me.

They are not the dreamers and the lovers.

They are the repulsive equilibrium which doesn’t exist.

They don’t believe in or see the magic, even though it is all around us.

I am inevitable.

You can’t stop me being.

My soul is invincible.

I am a relaxing Sunday afternoon with a gentle breeze.

I am the Charlie Brown tree, standing among the luscious green perfections of the selfish.

I am all music.

Rock, reggae, jazz, and country, constantly playing and changing.

I don’t draw conclusions.

The creative don’t follow what IS.

They dream what COULD BE?

There is so much to do and say and make and create!

I can’t do it all.

I am forced to follow the others and fall short.

They are confused and want to follow the others.

I don’t.

I want to escort them into their real essence.

They humor me with their feats.

Did they really accomplish what they truly want deep down?

I believe in myself.

I don’t care what they think and no one should.

I am profound during simple times.

I am as deep as the ocean.

I am a glorious blossom in a field of devious weeds.

I am not reality.

It is fake.

It is pretend.

I am the answers held in, right or wrong, while the hopes for the better are vented.

I am not better than the others.

The others aren’t better than me.

We are all alone and let the others tear us apart with their teeth.

Or are we alone?

There are others like us.

They tell me the world boomed!

And I and everyone were here!

Well they are liars.

I am too complex and bursting with unique ideas only a creator could have concocted.

I did not evolve from nothing.

They need to think before they preach and lecture.

I am not what they say.

I will not accept it.

I will not improve on the failures others have thought.

I am success, for it is what I want, and yours is what you want.

I get punished for the numbers and hide when I don’t need them or want them.

They fluctuate.

They are not important to me, but are to others who are brain washed, and in turn clone more naïve adolescents.

I am a lively carousel constantly turning.

I am life.

When it’s all over they will see.

They let the majority overcome them and they will struggle with their perfection.

They are dead.

Well, I lived.

I am living.

I will live.

I succeed from within.

I am the curse word screamed out of exasperation.

I am inspiration to others, which also see the blandness of our society.

I am the tortured, constantly waiting.

Waiting.

For the teasing clock to reach the point of anticipation.

I am human.

I love.

I hate.

I cry.

I laugh.

I am the child that will never grow up.

The grown put away the awe in life.

The wishes.

The dreams.

I will not.

I is grammatically incorrect.

If understood, why speak like the others?

I am a manatee, constantly nourishing and caring for the careless.

The young comfort me.

They are the true wonders of the world.

Imagination is happiness and they can live it just by thinking it.

I am the caretaker of the lost souls.

They deny and I inspire them and tell them of the awe of life.

I am a show performed out of mere enjoyment.

The Beatles said “I am the egg man.

They are the Eggman.

I am the Walrus.

Coo-Coo Ka-Choo.”

That’s who I am and that’s who everyone is.

They are scared to admit it, but they are.

I am a dream.

A wish.

A hope.

I am not a waste.

The others waste me.

I am insanity.

The conformists strive for reason and logic.

They think it productive.

They think wrong.

Deep within their immature minds, their character is bursting with being.

I couldn’t contain him.

He is present and full of unpredictable idiom.

Their continence is hiding from the truth.

I am a playful monkey at heart.

I am random.

My thoughts flow in my head, but not to the others.

They say there is a certain set structure for all of us.

I will not stand for it.

I am water.

I am not the doldrums.

I am a current.

I will keep flowing and curving wherever life takes me.

I am scared and confused.

Love keeps me going.

I am close with art.

I am expression, and so is it.

We are always original and unique, unless forced otherwise by the authorities.

I am a fire.

I am ablaze with life and combustion.

I am a movie.

I direct.

I write.

I act.

I edit.

I watch.

I am sarcastic.

I try to brighten the tedious days.

I get bagged and thrown down a well by the provocative communists who think they know.

They don’t know.

Oh how they will never know!

They are already dead.

When most of us go to the luminescent clouds eternal, I will have tales to tell.

The sane, disappointed, and depressed will not.

They will wish they followed their self, but it will be too late.

I am a believer in the truth.

The light.

The cross.

The faith.

God said, “I am what I am.”

I am what I am, too.

I am more than they know I am.

I am so much more than they will ever know!

And I know.

And that’s all that matters.

I am revolution.

I am one.

I am me.